I CRIED LAST NIGHT…

cloudsI cried because I have become so damn good at this.

Crying.

And being strong.

And  being alone.

I cried last night after a lovely dinner ..

for one at one of my favourite restaurant…

with a book.

I cried because it was all too beautiful.

I cried because I was at ease.

At peace with myself.

I cried because it was

All together lovely.

Last night I cried because all morning I had butterfies in my stomach.

I felt as if I was floating on air, as if I had fallen in love.

My body remembered somehow what love feels like

Last night I cried because all that love I felt was all for me

I cried because I found that I can do this thing.

I have done this thing.

I am good at it.

I know what to say, how to say it , so even those who would spare a minute to think about me don’t ever have to.

I cried last night because I realized just how much I had closed the door firmly against love.

How all of these years, when I thought I was loving, all I was doing was merely building up walls.

Cementing all the reasons why love between two strangers is not possible. Why it can never be. enough.

I cried because it all suddenly made sense.

Why I chose the partners I did.

I knew. It would lead to nowhere.

It makes sense.

Why in my 20’s I spent so much time out in the evenings, in crowded places with hazy faces.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I didn’t want to live alone.

I could not commit

to me.

I cried last night because

I thought I had to do it. Strong women live alone.

They don’t need anyone.

Anything..

As long as their independent…

that”s the point

victory.

I cried because for years I had never admitted to myself that I am not cut out for this.

Strong- black- woman- shit.

living alone

I’m a softie.

It dawned on me. During a job interview.

She was clinical about it.

Age:32.  Marital status: Single. No Children.

This is not how I imagined my life.

I never aspired to be a person who lives alone in the world.

I never aspired to be the person that I turned out to be.

I never considered for a moment that popular opinion could persuade my romantic personality.

I cried last night. Because it finally dawned on me.

There was, is, nothing wrong with me.

I just believed a lie.

That I needed to “change”

I cried last night because I remembered how happy I was when.

My mother and I would wake up in the early mornings to prepare breakfast for my siblings.

We’d make  school lunches for them.

One of us would wake them one by one, to  have a bath.

Put out their uniforms on for when they come out.

To find them ready.

By the time they all finished bathing – breakfast would be ready.

We would go all out. Set the table and everything for them. Even pick flowers from the garden.

So they could wake up knowing that they are special.

Cared for.

Thought of.

Wanted.

And then once they’re done they would get packed lunches to go to school all made with love.

I was an out of work journalist then, I didn’t have money, a job. Nobody “knew I existed”.  But I was happy.

That one act in the morning. Doing something for someone else just for fun was the most rewarding thing I ever did.

Making life easier for others. That’s love.

I had forgotten how good it feels, to serve.

Others like that.

I regularly felt really selfish. Because I felt so good doing it.

It was never a sacrifice.

It was always  a Pleasure to serve, I looked forward to it.

I cried last night because I miss that.

I miss that girl who could love without expectations.

Whose love never depended on another’s reactions or response.

Whose ability to love did not depend on applauds. Acknowledgment. Affirmation.

Whose love did not depend on outside voices.

Advice, opinion.

Who loved because it is natural to love

Because love came easy.

Last night I cried because  I remembered

That the best moments in my life…

Were spend in the company of children..

My little brothers

My  little sister

I cried because  I believed somehow

that I wasn’t a good enough person

to be with children

I cried because I thought I was protecting them against me

When I needed them the most

I cried last night because I was  Hurt.

So bad.

And  I  Hurt. Others just as bad.

Soon it was a vicious cycle.

I cried last night because I am free.

to love again.

I cried last night because I felt finally

I can let go.

Exhale.

I cried last night out of relief.

I made it.

I still have lots of love to give.

I cried last night because I realized I am strong enough.

To be  vulnerable.

To say.

Hello.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I miss you.

You matter to me.

I care.

I think about you all the time

I love you.

I cried last night because

It was  all meant to be

this way

I cried because I am…

Ready

to LOVE.

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One Comment

  1. Whoooowhooooo…a ‘am who I am…at this age’type piece. Nice…crying is a delicately beautifully strong thing to do. One day my soul opened up(after teaching a lot of kids) and I could allow myself to cry. It was liberating and it takes a big person to cry…I always think it measures how much you can love.
    So happy for your break-throughs…
    Be that woman Jedi..

    Yeah…I also made that realisation about choosing partners…setting up myself to fail..so I can blame people and love. Not cool man. I recently realised I wasn’t over someone…and its been hard to come into realisation about the situation. I am weighing these two: what if this is my highest?(My shiva and vishnu story) but what if it ended because of not being honest, how far would I go?
    Very hard to get to a realisation. And I feel like I’m holding on cause that the relationship that said: you have been living a lie…open you mind and heart(…and you will find treasures and grow beyond what you think).

    Thank you for putting this down…

    Reply

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